I love food (obviously) and I’m a pretty adventurous eater. I really enjoy trying new restaurants, and of course I’m a huge fan of experimentation in my own kitchen.
But I also have some very strict food rules by which I abide. These absolutes are for me and me alone; I’ll never judge you for not adhering to my rules, but please please don’t make me try something that falls within the no zone. It can only end poorly for both of us.
1. Cheese is always savory.
2. Fruit and cream cannot be mixed in a sweet way. (i.e., banana and milk on cereal, yes. Fruity yogurt, no.)
3. Cake is usually unnecessary, but if you must, mild angel food or spice cake is preferable.
4. Icing is almost always gross. So is syrup.
5. Tuna doesn’t come from a can. Or a bag.
6. There is never room for Jell-O.
7. If the choice is between an oil-based sauce or a red sauce, always go with oil. If the choice is between a red sauce or a white sauce, always go with red. If there is only white sauce, hold the sauce.
8. Ixnay on the owdered sugar-pay.
9. Ketchup. Unacceptable in any form on any item.
I’ve found over the years that my friends like to try to come up with exceptions to my rules, but I’m not aware of any that have passed muster.
I’m not going to like your cheesecake, and I’m truly sorry. I’m sure it’s delightful to everyone else in the room, but if I could just politely decline, that would be awesome. You make a to-die-for tuna noodle casserole? No thanks, I’d actually rather die. Yes, I’m eating my waffles plain. Yes, I know they were engineered with “little nooks for holding tasty accessories and for getting proper syrup soakage.”* I’m still going to pass. Cottage cheese for lunch? Perfect. But if you come near me with those canned pineapple chunks to put on top I will stab you with my little plastic fork.
And so on.
I can’t be the only one with food rules. What are some of yours?
*Actual conversation in which my dismissal of the true purpose of waffle topology was ridiculed.