Pro tips

1. If you’re going to use a chair to reach a high shelf, first make sure the chair doesn’t have wheels on the bottom.

2. Do not under any circumstances climb on the chair, wheeled or unwheeled, without wearing proper shoes.

3. Once you have completed your high shelf tasks, carefully turn around and visually assess your route from chair to floor. Remove any obstacles.

4. Special consideration should be taken in the case of wheeled obstacles; for example, wheeled chairs that were disqualified from use must not remain in the climbing vicinity.

If any one of these guidelines is not followed, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur.

Or, conversely, you could step off the chair in your bare feet, step onto the leg of the rolling chair left conveniently right behind the folding chair you set up, slip on the leg of the rolling chair because, you know, it has wheels on the bottom and come crashing to the ground in a rather dramatic way. At this point you may feel a sharp pain in your ass from the impact of your landing, so it is recommended that you hobble to your desk chair and try to hold on to any pride you may not have crushed in the process.

Some minutes later, as the throbbing in your ass subsides, you may notice a sharp shooting pain in your toe – say, if you try to bend it or walk on it or put any weight on it at all. Because, you know, that would be awesome and not at all interfere with your plans for the next week.

At least the lovely purpley bruising across the top of my toe kind of sort of matches my favorite sundress.

(And also, it turns out that 2 beers is not enough to dull the pain much. Oh well.)

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