Last Days

Today is my last day at my (old) job, and Avi’s last day as a preschooler.

In a week and a half, I start my new position as Assistant Director of On-Campus Programs and in two and a half months he starts his new school year as a kindergartner.

I hope that, given the unique circumstances, you’ll grant me the luxury of reminiscing for a bit.

***

Five years ago I was very pregnant, very sweaty and very tired. I was still teaching art full time and working on the visual and performing arts curriculum for the coming school year. Avi was born July 25, 2005. I left my position at the beginning of September, when it became clear to me that I wasn’t ready to be a mom and anything else, much less a teacher of other people’s children. Then we took Avi to the beach for the first time.

Four years ago I was settling in at my new job, after doing freelance illustration and design work for the first nine months of Avi’s life. He was walking hesitantly and we were no doubt still unpacking from our move to Forest Hills. He could sign about a hundred words – quite the precursor for what was to come verbally.

Three years ago I had just received approval from the State Board of Education for my first round of continuing education classes for teachers. I felt like Kind of a Big Deal. I wasn’t. I also started another degree program that summer – pretty sure at this point in 2007 I was a month into Economics, as well as a month into my new MacBook. We were getting ready to go to Albany to see my brother and sister-in-law. We drove through the night because we thought it would be better for Avi. We were wrong.  A month later he rode on an airplane for the first and only time when we visited D’s sister and brother-in-law in Austin, Texas.

Two years ago I was bittersweetly wrapping things up at the museum, still in denial that my grant was up at the end of summer. D got me that necklace for my birthday from the Three Rivers Arts Festival. Avi was heading to preschool in the fall, though in June we still thought he was going to a little place near our new house in Highland Park. He ended up at the JCC after the little place had low enrollment. We went to the beach in September, since I was out of work for a month.

Last year I was in this job that ends today. I was finishing up my MPM and planning to drive to Colorado for my best friend’s wedding on Avi’s 4th birthday. We successfully got him into the PPS magnet school near our house for his last year of preschool, and he went to his very first summer camps.

***

Today.

Today is my last day at my (old) job, and Avi’s last day as a preschooler. We’re going to the beach in August.

Some things change, some things stay the same.

endgame

so apparently monday it is.

no matter what, his birthday will be july 25, which is fine with me. it makes him a leo, the first for either of our families. the only thing even vaguely interesting about that is the gorgeous watercolor of the lion hanging in his room – i don’t really subscribe to the rest of the astrological rules.

so i’ve pretty much resigned myself to having a caesarean and i’m okay with that. it’s not going to be wonderful or anything – and it sucks that recovery is longer since he’s already a late arrival – but at the same time, i’m anxious to be done and everything (including school) will just have to fall into place. can’t really expect it any other way, right?

the house is totally done and super clean and amazing. i’m so happy with it – i just glide (ha ha) from room to room checking out the things i’ve hung on the walls, or noting how very little clutter there is, etc. it is pleasing to me that at least this extra time was fruitful in that regard. plus, if people come to visit i will be proud to show it off, which is a good feeling.

thanks to the awesome new digital camera, i put up some new pictures and reorganized the “my pictures” photo gallery in the sidebar. all of the baby stuff is in one convenient location now, and will remain that way indefinetly. yes yes, as soon as i have pictures of the kiddo they will be posted.

well, 7am monday morning, then. we’ll head off to the hospital with all our stuff for the third time. i hope it’s not too anti-climactic, since we’ve tried it twice before. i can’t imagine it will be, at least after he’s here…

goodnight.

(no subject)

we shouldn’t be back at home right now.
we should be at the hospital – all three of us.
but the fact is, the new addition to our happy little family is more than a bit reluctant to make his appearance.

get the lowdown

at the end of twelve hours of a pitocin iv drip, increased every thirty minutes to a very high dose, i was having painful and prolonged contractions but the baby wasn’t where he was supposed to be. he hadn’t dropped far enough into my pelvis, and apparently it is also quite possible he is backwards (posterior, not breach).

my doctor, who i love more and more as each stage of this drama is revealed, gave us three choices:

a) stay the night, and continue the pitocin drip – maybe it would do something, she said, though she seemed doubtful.

b) go home. take hot showers, get some rest, walk around – maybe it would trigger natural labor, she said, though she wasn’t promising anything.

c) have a caesarean, tonight.

the whole reason why we’re pursuing this so much (in addition to the fact that i’m overdue, of course) is that my blood pressure has been waaaaay up and then down and then waaay up and then down. today, however, it was reasonable, and the baby looks and sounds great. so immediate danger to either of us was not part of the equation.

danny and i talked and both thought choice two was the best – the idea of staying any longer was so unappealing, especially with an almost-guarantee that it wouldn’t fix anything, that we immediately eliminated choice one. choice three, well, i’ll get to that in a second.

we thought instead that coming home gave us the most flexibility with the greatest promise of comfort. dr. dahr said it was possible that with the huge amount of pitocin i had had i could very easily progress this weekend, but she was also very realistic – which brings me back to choice three.

she was brutally honest with us and said she thought it quite likely i could end up needing a caesarean anyway. her explanation was that the baby is two big – which is a funny thing to think about since he weighs about seven and a half pounds right now. she asked me how tall i was, and i said about five foot three or so, and she said, “are you really? i think more like five foot. the baby is too big, you are too small!” basically, his shoulders and head are too wide to fit nicely in my pelvic whateveritscalled, which is why he can’t drop and which is why we’re having so much trouble progressing to the next stage in the game.

the plan now is to go back for another non-stress test on saturday and then back on monday for a pitocin drip…which, if it doesn’t work after about four hours pretty much locks in the c-section option as a go. the fact that he is likely posterior only adds to that possibility – although if a miracle occurs and he drops to where he is supposed to be and labor progresses naturally, there are things they can do about the posterior-ness that don’t involve surgery.

i’m okay with this – scared and nervous and having fear-of-unknown, but i’m okay. i’m pretty uncomfortable since i’m still having contractions, and mentally it’s tough because i know they’re probably not doing much. we’re just trying to take it a little bit at a time – not even day by day, but like, couple hours by couple hours. dan has been absolutely incredibly awesome through this whole experience, and he’s no doubt almost as tired as i am (although he was allowed to eat today – and i wasn’t! just because they thought she might do the c-section today, i couldn’t eat for fourteen hours!) and just as anxious.

ultimately, i know it’s a pain in the ass for you guys too – how long has this been dragging out, really?! so i wish i was able to give you good news , but i guess we’ll all have to continue to be patient.

oh, and i’m not really up to talking on the phone, by the way, so i appreciate the calls and messages but please please don’t take it personally if i don’t answer. text me if you’d like – i almost always respond to those, and have been using them as well to communicate with some of you already.

agony (Reprise)

i feel like a broken record. or an into the woods cd.

so, here’s the email update that went out today – i’m too tired to add anything else now, and we have to be back at the hospital by 9am tomorrow anyway.

>no, he’s still not here yet…
>yes, we are QUITE anxious, tired, ready to go, frustrated, whatever you
>want to call it!…

>my doctor did three gel treatments on sunday with the hope that monday
>things would sort of procede naturally…and they didn’t, or at least not
>fast enough or consistently enough to justify us going back to the
>hospital. so we spent yesterday and today walking and resting and
>walking and resting and walking around ALOT, and also went back to the
>doctor – where she agreed that he was really quite ridiculously
>stubborn at this point!

>so back to the hospital tomorrow for another non-stress test
>(i’m such a pro at these now!) and if things have STILL not progressed by
>thursday morning, we head back with our packed-since-sunday bags for the
>pitocin iv, which sounds like an absolute blast, yuck!

>today (wednesday) is dan’s birthday, so maybe the baby was just waiting
>to share the day with his dad? who knows – but he better get a move on
>if that’s the plan because there are only twenty-one and a half hours
>left and WE are ready to go!

>thanks for all the good thoughts, guys – and i’m sure you know how
>much we would have loved to have shared the great news with you by now!

>tiredly,
>andrea and daniel

agony, misery, woe – though it’s different for each

always ten steps behind, always ten feet below, (always a few centimeters short of fully dilated), and it’s just out of reach…

totally slacker email copy.

> believe me, as anxious as you guys are to hear good news about the
> baby’s arrival, we are even more so!
>
> dan and i spent the day at the hospital today undergoing the first steps
> of induction (as in, i got all the pain and he got to just be incredibly
> awesome at helping me deal with it). at the end of fourteen hours, the
> kiddo was still not quite ready, so we’re back at home for the night
> (and some much needed rest in our own bed!) hoping to progress normally
> tomorrow. my doctor is very optimistic that we’ll see her by tomorrow
> afternoon or evening, all ready to go, and in the meantime they gave me
> something to help me sleep through the mild contractions until they get
> more stable and consistent…and painful.
>
> in the meantime, here are some pictures of the baby’s room taken really
> quickly with our new digital camera and memory card (thank you anxious
> grandparents!) all we need now is the baby, and we’ll have the ultimate
> nursery accessory :)
>
> keep your fingers crossed for us, and hopefully by monday night you’ll
> get the real email you’ve been waiting for!
>
> love muchly,
> andrea and daniel

goodmorning starshine

we watched hair last night as we totally couldn’t sleep due to anticipation and a need to get everything ready. the apartment is picked up – and awaiting the delightful maid visit courtesy of d’s parents! the birds and cat are fed. d is packed, i am packed…

we’re going to the hospital!

i have no idea if we will be coming home in the interim – apparently there is a very slight possibility of that since induction can take more than a day – but if not, the next time i post there will most certainly be a very small bundle of boy in the next room.

thanks for all the support, encouragement, and great wishes, guys…

*muah

something’s comin’

i’m exhausted.
having lots of trouble getting comfortable and getting to sleep, which is particularly frustrating because i still have lots to do before we go to the hospital…

sunday morning at 7am!

i’ll skip the delicious goo-drenched details unless someone wants to email me directly, but the verdict is we are to report early sunday to get this show on the road. now all i have to do is the seven thousand things left on my “stuff to do before the baby comes” list.

but first, a nap.

my baby just cares for me

so the ultrasound today was fun, and the technician assured me that he is perfect and ready to go – just gotta get the cervix to a favorable state! according to the measurements, he weighs seven pounds, ten ounces, but that doesn’t take into consideration bone density, so it could be a little higher or a little lower. her guess was that he will be right around eight pounds, which is fine with me as long as it’s eight pounds and some even number of ounces!

in other news, i learned about pagophagia today and it totally freaked me out. everyone knows how i have been eating ice like crazy for months now, and while i definitely used to do it before – grab an ice cube here and there as i headed out the door, or eating all the ice out of my glass at the dinner table after i was finished with my milk (yes, milk) – i’m way beyond that now. i bought an ice crusher for goodness sakes! anyway, pagophagia is a form of pica, which is an eating disorder where you basically eat non-food items compulsively. now, realistically, it could be a lot worse, right? i could be eating dirt or paint chips or starch, some of the more common and unfortunate pica “foods”, but i had no idea that massive quantities of ice could be included in that definition.

(d brought up the interesting point about water – why is ingesting ice at an alarming rate a diagnosable disorder, while drinking the same amount of water is recommended by most physicians? what is it about the solid form that shift it over to the non-food category?)

so now i can’t decide if i should mention this to my doctor or not. if it is pregnancy-induced, there’s almost no point. and it’s not like she hasn’t been taking blood all along – wouldn’t they know if i was anemic by now? part of me thinks i should just wait until next week, and part of me is like, holy shit! yet another weird freaky sort-of-psychological disease that i have! how can i be a good mom if i’m an ice-chomping, anxiety and depressive-disordered, attention deficited hyperactive?

i guess the only thing to hope for is if the kid is just as screwed up as i am!

I’M KIDDING!

Oooh, Baby I love your way (not)

so today i was told that my cervix is unfavorable, which came as quite a shock to me. afterall, i feel that it was my favorable nether regions that got me in this situation in the first place, eh?

what my adorable indian doctor really meant though is that (not to get too medical or technical or baby gross here, but) my cervical opening is basically not open enough yet. we went into the appointment today hoping to schedule inducement (i have yet to confirm whether that is an actual word), and she really really wanted to be able to – she was sooo apologetic because i was sooo disappointed – but she explained that to induce now while my cervix is “unfavorable” would result in thousand-day labor and undue stress on the baby (and the mother and father!)

i asked her of course if there is anything one can do to make her cervix more favorable, and she said oh dear! does that mean no? does anyone have any doctor friends (ELISE!) to ask? or holistic new age pals? i’m desperate here! supposedly evening primrose oil works, and i’ve also heard raspberry tea leaf…

anyway, thanks to my unfavorable cervix, there is obviously not a baby and will probably not be a baby until next monday unless any of these home remedies work! i go for a sonagram sometime this week so dr. dahr can get an estimate on the baby’s birth weight, and then go back and see her on friday morning to see if, well, things are a little more favorable.

if they are, she will schedule the fun and games for monday. if they are not…well, we’re not going to think about that.

okay all, homework time – do some research, ask anyone you know – what can i do to make my cervix more favorable and get this damn kid out?!

food, glorious food

can i just continue to say how awesome d’s cooking is lately? i am so impressed!

the chowder from the other day was unbelievable – and it was accompanied by cheesy garlic bread (both significantly overshadowing my pathetic entry, pumpkin pie). the fact that the entire soup base was concocted from scratch just blows my mind. i don’t even know what all was in it! at one point when i got up from a nap, i stumbled into the kitchen to find him removing kernels from fresh ears of corn we had just purchased. other than that, the remaining ingredients are a complete mystery to me.

tonight he is making panko-encrusted baked salmon with sauteed mushrooms, fresh spinach, and toasted pine nuts. what?! he absolutely blows my mind with this stuff! it is especially wonderful since about the last thing i want to do right now is stand in the kitchen fixing dinner.

oh, and i guess you guys want a real update in addition to my gustatory musings.

so we hung out at the hospital this morning for about two and a half hours, with me lying on my side and having the lowest blood pressure ever (something absurd like 108/49!) and listening to the baby’s heart beat and crazy rustling movements. the word for all of this is apparently a “non-stress test” – possibly to distinguish it from the hellish running stress test that i would fail miserably right now. after all this we learned: nothing.

i go to the doctor on monday, she is unwilling to commit to anything until then. more news to follow when we have it, blah blah blah.

he just made some clarified butter. does anyone else even know what that is? it made the whole room smell wonderful, though – and it’s a mere vehicle for the sauteeing! yum!